My Way

I did things my way today...

Resolution at last. My long overcast sky has brightened, and the stars shine again. Till the next one...

Ennui

Damn bored!

It was an extremely long day...

Oh! And I pon-ned my first lectures! Freaking useless. You'd think that paying them like $300 per day for the course means good quality.

Have to do some self study later then. Sucks but no choice.

Off to cook!

Random Quotes

Bored. Have lotsa random quotes.

• Happiness lies not in the wonderful memories of the past, but in moving forward and retaining hope.
• People often read too much into words and events; but complicated does not mean correct.
• If you cannot run, cannot hide, and cannot deny, then why not plunge straight into it and enjoy what you can?
• If you are important enough, people will wait - even if it is for a long time.
• Having a choice is not about choosing what's right because we already know that. It's about whether we are prepared to fight for what we know is right.
• The purpose of memories is to uplift and to encourage in the darkest of times, not to serve as a burden to moving on.
• The last time opportunity knocked twice, the idiot missed it again. So seize what chances you have immediately.
• There is only so much we can learn from the mistakes of others, some are left for us to discover and learn on our on.
• This love thing requires more faith than any religion.

Great. I spoke to her. She misinterpreted and misunderstood me again. Keeps thinking I'm after her for some reason. Idiot girl.

I made a promise. And I cleared things up once. I won't break the former and won't repeat the latter.

I still like her a lot. Inexplicable. Ridiculous. So there's the wait.

Fools in this world. Fools like me. That's what I am.

And I can live with that.

Torn, Confused, Hurt

I really don't know what to do...

What do I do...?

Why don't people allow me to let it go? Why must I be the one to initiate the conversation if something's wrong? Why am I not allowed to protect myself? Why is it that she doesn't seem to know what she wants?

Why do I still care? Why did I let myself get into this? And why do I bother if she cares or not?

Why? Why? Why?

If I'm close to you, I get rejected. When I don't talk to you, you feel bad and pissed and hurt and whatever.

What do you want?

Don't say things that you don't mean to or will eventually regret. Don't turn simple things into tests of sincerity, persistence and faith. Don't use hints all the time and start being frank.

I can't lie to myself. I will never toy with you. I still care about you. And somehow I can't stop liking you.

So give me a break here and tell me what you want. What you think. What you expect.

Because I'm too torn, confused and hurt to put myself in your shoes right now.

Why Oh Why

It's over, what's with Ying Ci and Jeff trying to play matchmaker...

Why are they so concerned? So I'm not talking to her, but I'm not avoiding her - I simply have nothing to say to her.

It's between the two of us anyway.

And betting with her that we'll be attached to each other within 5 years is simply... Dumb... hA|z...

What are the two of them trying to do...

Save your effort guys, when my heart is dead and frozen over, I'll be ready to become friends. For now, that's just not going to happen.

Can Someone Tell Me...

...How to be friends with someone you like?

Barriers

Today marks the 1st month of my time in Melbourne.

The past all seems so distant now... That fateful night when I packed my bags and left my family, my friends, my place. Even the person I came here with has left.

I remember the nice photo album. I remember the pictures we took and the expressions on everyone's face. I remember the hugs and some tears. And I remember making one last wave, one final goodbye behind the glass wall. Barriers... That's what it's all about.

Barriers from NUS Medicine. Barriers from my family and friends. And now, barriers from the people over here.

I don't fit in. As much as I try to.

I wake up everyday to a beautiful world. A world filled with wonders and things to discover. A world of experiences and memories. But ultimately, it is a lonely world I wake up to.

I can't really speak to the people here - we have nothing in common. Superficialities rule the conversations - and I yearn to have more, to go deeper.

I am sitting alone now, wondering where everyone has gone to. Hermit by choice? Or ostracised without? I will never know.

Barriers. That's what they are... They always exist. They never disappear.

Yesterday, I went to Brandon Park with the rest.

How different it was this time.

I remembered my first trip. It was all with her. We shopped together and talked together, with narely a concern about the others. It was different this time. We were together in a group, yet seperated by light years of space... So weird.

The way back was most... Different. She sat on a double seat on the bus. I was just behind her. Wouldn't it be logical to just sit beside her? I chose a single seat instead...

Barriers. How they torment...

Where is my guardian angel now?

Save me.

Memory Me

Read through my old blogs.

Haha. Damn funny. Didn't know I was already so mature then.

FrigidSoul

Desolace

Memories. What wonderful things.

Hodge Podge Thoughts

So it's me sitting here again. Thinking about the going ons of the world.

2 days ago, hallmate of my friend passed away under unknown circumstances. Pretty shocking isn't it? While I believe that he committed suicide, I have no concrete proof and so I won't assume that. But all I can say is that we are social creatures. We have food, air and shelter as our necessities, but are companionship, love and hope - the quintessential intangible needs that people rarely pay attention to.

Not everyone can adapt to a foreign environment, much less one that is drastically different from what they're used to. People need support, care and concern survive transitions - and bad things happen when you don't have one. Hold your family close, treasure your friends; they are your beacon of light in the darkest times. Your memories of them will serve as guideposts, and your love for them will be your engine to move forward.

I'm finally settling into university teaching styles. It's not so much of critique than is it acceptance. I guess that's the advantage that we humans have - the inordinate ability to adapt and be flexible. Still, I have to say that Sociology freaking stinks and that I still prefer the science lectures and the PCLs than anything. I say leave the true sociology to the sociologists. While it is admirable and visionary to educate doctors to look at the social context of medicine, there is really next to nothing that we have time or energy to do. A futile endeavour.

Then there's the issue of being rejected again of course.

Sigh. Sometimes I wonder when it will ever work. I'm either moving too fast or too slow. Else the girl's interested in me when I'm not anymore. Or the girl just broke up with her boyfriend. Or whatever.

I thought Librans are supposed to rule the House of Relationships!

Actually I'm not lamenting. I'm perfectly fine with being single. It's just that YunXiong's perspective has its valid areas. Like not living a life of "what-ifs", or experiencing everything life has to offer, etc. Rest assured though that I am not desperate (Never has been, never will be), and I am still pretty picky.

Too bad the girl's even pickier. Haha. Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself and wonder why these things happen to you. Patience then. I'll wait and see what happens. That in itself is an experience anyway.

To the lady who said that what you don't know can't hurt you, I call that crap. Obviously many people have suffered because they are totally clueless about their predicament.

And no. You do not try. You either do it or not do it. Only sincerity can ensure success.

More ramblings to come. I get this feeling that sleep deprivation means that I typed incoherently.

Resolution

Sorry for moving my blog address - unfortunately it was compromised by an ex-friend of mine. If there's anything I can't stand, it's the betrayal of absolute trust.

Anyway, the Xin Yi issue has been resolved after so long. I plucked up the courage to have a talk with her this afternoon - and it's all settled.

Told her lots of things. That I like her. That I'm not going after her since she's uncomfortable. That I just wanna be friends without any ulterior motives.

She told me some things. That she doesn't get why a person can like another so quickly. That I basically will never have a chance with her.

Well. Probably the same things Priscilla told me when I asked her - and what happened eventually?

Really. Girls. Trouble.

I shall stay single for all my life.

Oh well, at least I gained some respect. Cheerios~

Exploration

After 3 weeks in Melbourne, I've finally had the chance to head to the City.

Summary: Zzz...

Maybe it was because I didn't know where to go or what to do, but Melbourne City was boring.

Sure there were all sorts of trams, and there were all these weird shops that Singapore doesn't have, and the layout is so different. But it was disappointing.

I expected to see lots of Victorian architecture - but there were next to none. I thought I'd see lotsa buskers and such on the streets - but there were only a few.

I'll definitely head there again someday, hopefully with a better inkling of what's fun over there.

A few funny things happened though.

First, was at KFC. Near the end of the meal, these couple of chicken-huggers started protesting outside the restaurant with their loudhailers and posters. All that crap about KFC mistreating chickens, being cruel, etc etc. Well of course we know that - but people generally don't give a fuck about other people, much less other species. He'd done better if he told them that eating KFC will turn them into hypertensive, morbidly obese individuals who suffer from lack of self esteem due to ugliness and a pre-disposition to various deadly diseases. I should've asked him where he thinks eggs come from.

Second was at Myers Department Store. This is good info for the girls out there (And you cheeky bastards who wanna buy lingerie for your lover/hooker/mistress/sex slave). Aussie bra sizes come in 10, 12, 14 and so on. These correspond to sizes 32, 34, 36 and so on. Cup size remains the same - unlike in Taiwan. So there you have it. 10B here = 32B back in Singapore. Of course, it was totally funny seeing how someone freaked out and felt embarrassed at buying his girlfriend undies. HAHAHAHAHA.

Third was Gelati! Goodness that stuff rocks. I had a double scoop, 3 flavour cup (Doesn't make sense to me either). Good thing I didn't have to pay for it. The ice cream was probably the only decent thing at the City.

Well that's about it. Nothing much to comment on. It's actually pretty convenient to head to the City though. Dinner's in an hour. Later~

Adjusted

It's been nearly 3 weeks since I've arrived, and life has definitely settled into a routine.

Lessons, food, sleep, outings, etc. Pretty boring now actually.

Heading to Melbourne City tomorrow. Hope that place doesn't disappoint.

No I'm not going with her.

I think she needs time. I'll wait. See how things go from here.

I'd better go to bed. NitEz.

P.S. I regret not making my prescription sunglasses. NEED them!

Patience

And so we talked... And so I understood.

And so I'm waiting...

Lifeline?

I feel like I've just awoken from a long sleep with a beautiful dream... And plunged into a reality of nightmares and horrors.

Acquiescence

Four things/people that make me smile:

• The rain on a nice cold day
• Having a friend comfort me when I'm down (Hey that happens to me occasionally)
• Thinking about happy memories with my friends and family
• When the Princess smiles (Ok, this might change with time, but hey it's accurate as of now)
  

Four ways to win my heart:

• Trust me on this, if you will ever have the chance to win my heart (Not sure if anyone would want to), I'd fall for you first. If that doesn't happen, give up.
  

Four things I believe in:

• Serendipity
• A better future
• Lack of determinism
• That the answer to Life, The Universe And Everything is really 42.
  

Four things I fear:

• Losing my memories
• Losing my loved ones
• Going after girls
• Chuck Norris
  

Four things I do everyday:

• Shit
• Eat
• Sleep
• Sing
  

Four things/people I want to see now:

• I believe in living in the present, hence the question is irrelevant.
  

Four people who should also do this:

• I don't know more than 3 people. Sorry.
  

Chemistry

Well, sorry for the lack of updates. The unfortunate side effect of lessons starting is that you have that much less time for things other than sleeping and eating.

Anyway, I spend my time watching House. Excellent show. I'd recommend it to anyone.

Also, I learnt today that in order to flirt with Princesses, you have to be cheeky. Mmm.... That's just fine with me.

"The Universe....

Tends to unfold as it should..."

A wise guy once wrote that for a dumb show.

Anyway, yeah I'm fine. Thanks to Xiang Liang's talk, I realise it that it's not so much how the world views you, but how you view yourself.

If we are always struggling to find acceptance, we will lead a miserable life. If we always try to influence the events that happen in our lives, we will die of exhaustion before long.

And so here I am, in the midst of contentment again.

Sentiments

In the midst of a jovial game lies a contemplative soul. Odd and out of place as it is, the soul searches within itself while his counterparts play their roles.

"Do I fit in? Am I one of them?" he asks himself.

No. He does not truly belong. He is an outcast, an ostracised person; seemingly together with the group, yet infinitely far from becoming one of them.

He does not mind, for loneliness and solitude has been part of him for as long as he can remember.

He looks within himself and wonders... Are his current goals right? Should he stay in Monash? Should he pursue the girl?

Common and simple as these questions may be, he is thrown into an emotional tempest, a maelstrom of epic proportions.

He doesn't understand why; why his situation seems so complicated to him when it is so simple to his peers. Why he can't break out of the attachment when being detached was his trademark.

He struggles and tries to desperately grasp for answers; solutions to his conundrums, to his headaches and pain and suffering.

But providence is not kind, and fate still refuses to side with him. For he know that what ever he does, he's going to have to stay in Monash... And that once again he will fail in this courtship...

Is it a dance that he can never complete? Or because he never tried long enough and hard enough. He doesn't know.

Will anyone tell him? Can anyone answer all his questions?

Stunned, he awakes. The alcohol was not intoxicating; rather it refreshed him, made him see things for what they are. That the world he thought he lived in was but his hallucinations, and that this surreal world he sees now is what it really is...

Drained. He retreats from such thoughts. And leaves wondering... If he never tried, would he ever know what will happen if he did?

Bias

Today, we have a short rant on bias.

Bias is existent in the minds of everyone. We are always subjective to a certain degree. For example, we might think that Medicine students are stuck up, or that Chinese all have small eyes, or that all boys think about is sex.

However, the best example of bias I can conjure up is how Weet-Bix tastes extraordinarily good because it came from someone.

Now that's bias.

The lesson ends here. Thank you come again.

Reprieve

First formal PCL today....

FINALLY. I got a decent group (Or perhaps my expectations of what a good group should be became lower after my traumatic experiences during the Transitional Residential). They didn't ask stupid questions, they didn't flirt with each other, and they look like good, decent folk. The tutor was great too. To the extent that I left pretty impressed... There is hope I suppose.

So I finally got about to asking her out... And she said Yes... Right. Who knows what's great in Melbourne City? You have 1 week to provide answers. Thanks in advance.

P.S. Gab & I walked to Mac today for our "White Castle" trip. Excellent!

Screwed-Up Poetry

Distractions

I stretch my arms out to the wind,
And the breath of life caresses my face.
In the still of the darkness,
The solitary moon on a silent night.

I stand alone on the viridian fields,
Thoughts run wild; an emotional maelstrom.
What is my purpose in this place?
A question that disrupts the placid calm.

I struggle to breathe, to see, to feel.
Yet answers remain ever elusive.
So I lose myself to the stars tonights,
And wonder why I am enjoying it alone.

P.S. I think I've lost my touch. LoL.

Education & Emotion

Third day of school... Still as bad.

Seems like this is the way things are going to be. No focus, no learning objectives... If it has to be all self directed, then what's the point of paying $38 000 per year? Not sure if I can take it for 5 years, but it'll suck to have to reapply to UK and try to adapt to that place.

So I'll stick with it and do things my way.

Speaking of doing things my way, I'm not sure my way is working in relationships.

I think I'm quite stupid and clueless (Can't believe a friend once said I'm perceptive). I have no idea if she's interested at all (Though Gab said he's damn sure she is, and that it isn't one-sided, etc). Need more experience. Someone throw hordes of easy to court girls at me so that I can level up.

Time to shower. The weather here really fluctuates too much. Today was like SUMMER summer...

Back To School

Just completed my first lecture for today, which also marks the 2nd day since lessons officially started.

So far so good I guess. Some of the tutors are really insightful and share useful information. I like the Theme III (Fabric of Life) lectures. Reminds me of all my JC work. Miss the days I could easily solve Chemistry/Biology questions.

On a side note, I had breakfast to eat again today.

Sometimes I wonder if it's bad to always be there for somebody? There's the risk of becoming a crutch. And that's suffocating. Mmm...

Oh well, lessons start at 1 pm. Better think of what's for lunch.

P.S. I think my Mum has suspicions after she came over to my room to use the phone (Cos hers is screwed) and my Mum heard her voice over Skype? Bad... I think she's gonna ask me some questions the next time I call her.